...like a bully in your head that likes to tell you that you'll never amount to anything and that you should kill yourself so that you'll no longer be a burden to everybody. This bully has been in my head for a few years now and usually I can ignore him but lately that seems to be getting challenging. He doesn't like to quit and he's really making it hard for me to do school work and not be a downer to all my friends. I wish I could tell him to leave me alone but you know bullies, they will never leave you alone so long as they're successful in making you miserable. I have been bullied a lot throughout my life. I was the weird, annoying kid who only talked about videogames. I've been called faggot, bitch, queer, homo, crybaby, pussy, snitch, weirdo, nerd, dork, ugly, loser and "he's gonna shoot up the school." Now that one was the worst because I never wanted to hurt anybody but the slightest moment I try and stand up for myself it get's thrown out.
But now I'm done with elementary school and middle school and high school. But you know, a lot of words stick with you. Anyway, my only source of escape from the bullying was videogames. I played them the second I got home everyday from school. I rarely did anything else. It let me get out my frustrations and made me forget about how pathetic I was. But everybody in my family made me feel bad for playing videogames so much. I did my best to ignore them. I just never had any desire to try anything else.
I wasted so many god damn years wasting time on stupid games. I never got any talents or skills. I never drew or write or played an instrument. I'm such a fucking idiot. I can't do anything right. I'll never do anything right. I'll be left in the dust while everybody else has friends and places to hang out.
I hate myself so much. I contemplate suicide so much. I constantly worry about my future so much. All because I couldn't just stop playing videogames for one fucking day. All because I couldn't develop social skills. All because I'm a fucking loser. I'll always be a loser.
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm just going to finish my homework and just think about some things. If anyone reads this, don't tell me that you know how I feel. That doesn't work on me. Nothing has and nothing ever will. Well except maybe suicide. Maybe.
i believe in u
Hey disregard the text I was just feeling really ultra super sad that day
You will amount to something because look at how quickly your art is progressing, you have a talent, so don't waste it by listening to the bully in your mind, no matter what you are, who you are, whatever you believe, you said you didn't want to ever hurt anyone which is more than those who were unkind to you ever did. You're a good person and even if you did kill yourself, your problems would not be solved. You have to remember who you are beneath all the self hatred and the voices in your head, if you lose that then you will never like yourself. If you need someone to talk to, send me a note. I've been through this shit so I do know how it feels, whether you want to hear that or not, it's true, loads of people use games to escape, I did. It doesn't mean you're a bad person! It just means you don't want to avoid the truth!